ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
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Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Always…
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
He took my last fry, your honor
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3