You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
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Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
taking June’s advice to heart
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?