90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
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My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
it was love at first sight
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like