90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
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I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy