Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
You Might Also Like
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”