[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
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In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
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[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
I love the honesty
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?