Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
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this is what they would have looked like, though
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
respect
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.