Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
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I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.