@Carter_TCB

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

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@PinkCamoTO

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

@8rustystaples

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

@WilliamAder

I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”

@alexxmyth

[enter password]

“dog”

[password must be longer]

“dachshund”

@QwertyJones3

[dog park]
Go get it, boy!

*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*

Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever

@ericsshadow

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.

My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?

@LostFelicia

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

@ElieNYC

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

@CatherineinAL

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.