Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
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[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.