Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
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My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
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[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo