ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
ME: Water asshole. How else?
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pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO