ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
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Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
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I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”