ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
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Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
My birthstone is kidney
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit