If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
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*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Happy Friday
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.