Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
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Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.