When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
You Might Also Like
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Based Erika
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.