me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
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[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?