boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
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A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.