I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
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Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
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You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.