If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
You Might Also Like
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Growing out my freckles.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch