if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
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“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.