My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
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Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
The two types of wives
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I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*