My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
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[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here