@nicfit75
@noog Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
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@noog 
@lazerdoov The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
@heapsOhate *finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
@Moi_RaRa It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
@RandomRamblr She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
@robcorddry Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
@Fred_Delicious Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
@joeyfullystated Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
@Rlpihl in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
@ilovepie84 “I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters