My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
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“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.