My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
You Might Also Like
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
set yourself free xox
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.