My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

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Noah: A boat?

God: Yes.

Noah: Two of every animal?

God: Yes.

Noah: I have a better idea.

God: What.

Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.


The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold


*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.


It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.


She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.


Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade


Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome


Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.


in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle