Noah: A boat?
Noah: Two of every animal?
Noah: I have a better idea.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
You Might Also Like
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”