Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
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I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Goat cheese is for herders.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.