If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
You Might Also Like
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I’m tired tomorrow.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅