Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
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Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone