Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
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I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
pls suprot
