You Might Also Like
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.