Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
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Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?