Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
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What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production