I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
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If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Breaking news:
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
no one likes gloating