Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
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No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids