No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
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Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
subtitles are so good nowadays
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days