I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
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Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages