Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
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People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra