Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
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What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb