I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
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Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Why am I like this?
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.