My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
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My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?