PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
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‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Punctuation Matters. Period.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
My dress code is business-casualty.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
To clean up or just move. This is the question.