1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
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Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.