I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
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Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman