the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
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Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
“our sushi is very fresh”