people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
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Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
happy friday
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty