Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
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If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.