My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
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“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.