She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
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Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
BaD BoY!!
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
THIS HEADLINE
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.