If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
You Might Also Like
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”