I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
You Might Also Like
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to