If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
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The Friday File.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Lmao