a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
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I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??