Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
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If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up