@CrankyPappy

“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.

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@IamEnidColeslaw

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

@hell_doe

what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question

@ABurgerADay

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

@Rollmaninoz

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

@wolfpupy

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

@BuckyIsotope

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening