@CrankyPappy
@elijahdaniel this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
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@elijahdaniel 
@IamEnidColeslaw my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
@TheTweetOfGod “My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
@hell_doe what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
@ABurgerADay [Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
@UncleDuke1969 Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
@Rollmaninoz Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
@wolfpupy why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
@BuckyIsotope CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
@SuperRandomish Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?