“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
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“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.