this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
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my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?