Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
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i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
If you know, you know
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.