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It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Saturday
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.