馃幍 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 馃幍
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snow white鈥檚 glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn鈥檛 fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you鈥檙e a fool
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 馃檨
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
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“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Got ya covered
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.