ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
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opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I wish I could veto my bills.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.