I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
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Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.